Archive for July, 2007
Wednesday March 2, 2005
I lost a friend last week. These things happen – I’m bad at people, after all – but I can’t say I’m not pissed off. Last week I also talked to a nice lady who was great at describing loss, the details of loss, the amputated future, the lack of company. Because I’m bad at people it took me a long time to remember she was so well-informed because her husband died a while ago. I mean, ages ago, but she hasn’t forgotten him. Which is odd, isn’t it ? She wants to be able to talk to her husband, I want to be able to talk to my friend – but we shouldn’t. We should be over it.
How do I know? Because I should be caring about how a bony tart and a petulant clothes horse choose to christen their spawn. I should be fretting over whether a lack of established royal precedent at Windsor register office will cause Camilla to spontaneously combust. I should want to see more and more and more of Jimmy Carr. Then I would be part of the real world, the things that matter, the questions that deserve every scrap of media attention they get.
Particularly, I should keep away from anything to do with unpleasantness, injury, or loss – they have no place in a modern media environment. Take Lance Corporal Andres Raya. I shouldn’t think about him. He’s dead now. He made it through Iraq, went home to California and couldn’t take it. He committed suicide by cop in a three-hour gun fight. But he doesn’t matter. Or Baha Mousa, he’s never going to get the kind of headlines he might if he’d shagged Jordan, or shat himself in a celebrity detox special. He’s dead now. Our troops killed him. But if that matters at all it’s as an indication of how stressed war can make the modern soldier. His brother Ala’a misses him, but he probably lacks perspective.
Abdul Wali, he’s dead now. He died after being interrogated by a CIA contractor in Afghanistan, but so what? Then there’s Zaydun al-Samarrai. He’s dead now. His cousin Marwan Hassoun is upset about this, but you can be sure he’s overreacting – after all Sgt Tracy Perkins, one of the people who drowned al-Samarrai in the Tigris, was only given a six-month sentence, so it can’t have been a big deal. Hanan Saleh Matrud, she’s dead now. After they shot her in Basra, the British army paid her family £390 compensation, which is fair enough because she was only eight and might not have amounted to much.
Hussain Adbulkadr Youssouf Mustafa says he had a stick shoved up his rectum by US troops at Bagram air base in Afghanistan and he has the gall to complain. Didar Khalan says he was tortured for a week by the Patriotic Union of Kurdistan until he finally gave false testimony against Mullah Krekar, testimony that was later presented as a valid basis for prosecution by US authorities. He claims his arm was broken and that he was made to stand in a freezing room without clothing and sit on blocks of ice. Which would have made a terrific reality special, but sadly, no one thought ahead.
Wesam Abdulrahman Ahmed Al Deemawi was at Bagram, where he was threatened with dogs, stripped, photographed in obscene positions and placed in a cage with a hook and a hanging rope. He’s not happy, either, when surely he should just be glad nobody killed him.
If either of them actually wanted the public’s attention they should realise that having Kelly Osbourne shove a stick up their arse would have done it, or having someone, you know, attractive in those obscene photos. Think of how popular Hugh Grant’s arrest snap still remains, and that barely suggests the erotic action that preceded his bust.
Surely, if we’ve learned nothing else from fusiliers Kenyon, Larkin and Cooley, it’s that people really don’t want to look at tubby, petrified Muslims trying to fake sodomy. We like our soft porn nipped and tucked. Or if it has to be ugly, it should involve paparazzi shots of stars that everyone is tired of, such as Mickey Rourke or Dirty Den.
Army specialist James Kiehl, he’s dead now. He was killed in the same attack that won Jessica Lynch so much air time, but that wasn’t enough to make him famous. Lance Corporal Shaun Brierley and Lt Philip Green, they’re dead now. They died for Mr Blair, but that doesn’t mean anyone should have heard of them. Peter Mahoney, he fought for Mr Blair, too. He’s dead now. Killed himself. But that was last year – his wife and four children will be fine.
How do I know? Because that’s the way the real world works. Remember all those poor, dead 9/11 victims we’re supposed to be avenging? Many of their fragmentary remains have been dumped in the Fresh Kills landfill without even a memorial. Because we’re over them. We can get over anything. It’s the only way.
other than that I’m posting on an iPhone from the worst paety I’ve ever been to. I’m pretty drunk there’s definedwlt a learning curve to these thinggZ
These are old “you name it, i’ll paint it” posts from the pahardcore messageboard. All images credit “FireBikeMullets” — that’s an old handle, not sure what his current one is.
I found them archived on thepahardcore wiki, which might be my current favorite website. It’s basically a wiki recounting the social history of the philly hardcore scene, specifically the part of it that revolved around pahardcore.com. It’s kinda sparse now, though – I’d like to see it get much more filled out.
Anyway, without further ado…
A pickle standing at a urinal, getting penis glances from an adjacent 10-year-old with severe acne and elephantitis of the left arm, while a WWI veteran practices yoga in the background with his only remaining leg. while wearing a kilt.
billy crystal having sex with a fat oprah while his hair turns to snakes and she spits fire out of her nipples and all four of their legs are being humped by half-dragon/half dog monkeybots.
Hellen Keller and Xbox vs Crhistopher Reeves and Timmy from Southpark in a tag team cage match with dinosaurs.
Batman riding a unicycle almost nude…only the mask on.
A football game between the zombies from Thriller and a bunch of dudes wearing corpse paint. The game has to be played on a minefield while it’s raining stillborns.
How about a video store that carries nothing but Pauly Shore movies being knocked down during a battle between the Statue of Liberty gone lesbian/lumberjack versus Robo-Richard-Nixon being operated by a lobster that looks a little bit like R Kelly.
The Rape scene in deliverance played by Brian Peppers and the Elephant man.
God himself doing his sick fatality on a stunned, unexpecting sub zero.
draw a group of sexy young mycologists playfully observing a strange, undiscovered mushroom poking up from in front of John Holmes’ grave…
Paint me (in profile) on top of a plane holding onto excalibur (sword) while wearing one boot and a pegleg. and making out with carole-line Shritless but brawny (her shirtless too) while shipwreck from GI joe is looking on while roasting rabbits over an open fire. from one of the windows. Have the sun and the moon in the sky and william s burroughs on a freestyle bike with wings doing tricks in the background with adolph hitler is riding on the back pegs.
fred durst getting his teeth kicked out by a chocolate chip cookie. and the cookie has a hitler mustache.
React a world war two scene but make the nazis robots and make the allies baseball players while it rains vaginas. Also, make sure they’re fighting in a disco.
A Marshmallow Peep sticking a hot roast pork sandwich up a female Peep’s yellow cunt
Brittney Spears getting an abortion on a lawn chair by Jesus with a bunch of goth kids in the background getting eaten by a giant rock lobster
paint a lion eating shadows.
a member of the taliban getting pimp slapped by larry the cable guy AND struck by lightning in the bum while jesus is riding a gigantic iguana into an enormous bowl of chocolate pudding that actually turns out to be diarreah but the iguana breaks his leg and jesus falls into the big bowl.
JFK’s murder re-enacted … only the people have to be dolphins. JFK played by one famous person of your choice. His wife is to be drawn as a Pepsi can. his bodyguards must be silverware (forks, knives, spoons). JFK is being played by that Paul Sr. douche bag from american chopper.
mario and luigi kicking the shit out of sonic and tales, as donkey kong took a shit in princess peach’s face while link smokes crack in a tree.